It is a part our life we have quietly navigated with the support of a very few close friends. It has meant that most of my friendships have gone by the way side because I can't ever make plans and often have to cancel, because our life revolves around fertility treatments, and all the things that go with that, including the emotional highs and lows, that can knock me off my feet for periods of time. When I do actually get out an socialize people ask me what I am up to and I don't even speak to the biggest part of my life, which leaves me little to talk about. I have never been very good at the small talk stuff and am a person who yearns to connect with people on a deep level so I can only discuss the weather for so long. I have gotten very skilled at the art of deflection, and generally speaking it's actually quite easy because we live in a time where people rarely ever feel like they are heard or have someone to talk to. Besides I was born to be a listener so it's easy for me to fall into that role.
27 months, 13 procedures, 1 pregnancy, 1 devastating loss, more vitamins, essential oils, supplements, pills & injections then I can count, numerous acupuncture, chiropractic & massage therapy sessions. It has been a very tumultuous journey, and I have reached the point that I am going to bare my vulnerability... I am writing a book!
I have been working on an outline and pulling bits from my journals and blogs and have decided that if one person can feel like they are not alone on their fertility journey it will be worth it. I am making a conscious choice to be my most vulnerable self, and write about the journey at the most raw level I can. I know that I will be judged, but if I can't be my authentic vulnerable self then why bother doing it? I will not censor the ugly darkness and moments I no longer wanted to live, or the moments of joy, hope and strength. This story is for the person walking the fertility journey and having to make difficult decisions every step along the way, and asking themselves when is enough enough? This story will be for the person walking the fertility journey and wants to punch the person in the face who tells them it will all work out in the end. This story will be for people who want to connect with another person's most raw vulnerable self. I also intend to speak to what has helped me get though this journey including the grief and loss, and the things that I found helpful and unhelpful along the way. So here's to my winter project! I have no idea how long this will take, it could be years, but I intend to follow it through until it feels ready to share. If nothing else I suspect the writing will be a big part of my healing.
My sweetie and I were lucky we had a little getaway to Saltspring Island at a friends place, which gave some time to disconnect from the outside world and truly relax. It was a great 4 days with lots of sleeping, reading, writing, walking in the woods, wildlife watching, sitting on the dock, and yoga. It was exactly what we needed, and I left recharged with a great sense of grounding.
There was an abundance of beautiful crabapples in the orchard.
We left Saltspring with a bag of crabapples so I decided to make one of my childhood favourites, crabapple jam.
My mom no longer has her crabapple jam recipe so as usual I turned to Pinterest. I used this recipe for Crabapple Jelly but didn't strain it as much and made a jam. I also didn't add quite as much sugar, but it was still sweet enough for me.
Mine turned out pinker then my mother's did when I was a kid, but it was still yummy.
Since I had the canner out I figured I might as well make cranberry sauce too. This was my first time canning cranberry sauce so I thought I should try a recipe for canning. I found this Jellied Cranberry Sauce recipe on Pinterest and it was very similar to my usual recipe so I went with it. It was so good that I was eating spoonfuls of it!
Finished crabapple jam & cranberry sauce.
I quickly made a turkey dinner for my sweetie and I. I put a breast and thigh in the slow cooker and cooked it with some chicken broth & poultry seasoning & a bit of butter under the skin. I was short for time so I cooked it on high and kept my eye on it with my meat thermometer. While teh turkey cooked I sauteed some kale in olive oil, sea salt & pepper, and then set it aside to add to my mashed potatoes. I cut up brussel sprouts, parsnips, and carrots to bake in the oven, potatoes to boil for mashed potatoes, and sliced green beans for steaming. I took 2 cheats and used stove top stuffing, and a package of gravy. Honestly I only had a few hours, so something had to give in the name of efficiency. When the turkey was nearly at temperature I got the vegetables going & shazaam before you knew it turkey dinner was done! This was the perfect opportunity to break out that cranberry sauce:) This dinner was the perfect amount for one dinner a night of leftovers, and a few turkey sandwiches. No turkey overload.
So in the spirit of giving thanks, I am thankful for those who have helped me stay strong along this journey, most especially the love of my life who helps lift me up when I feel I have nothing left in me.