The evolution of this grief has been so tricky to navigate. I thought once I reached the one year mark a shift would at least ease the pain a little, or I would have a shift in focus, but that has not happened. In fact I feel more and more lost. There are some days that I don't even know who I am anymore.
There is this intense exhaustion that comes with pretending to be better than you actually are. The day to day things that were once so easy take everything out of me. I see no light in the darkness, I see no hope. I thought taking the 30 days of gratitude challenge would help me shift my thinking to focusing on the positive, but it actually ended up feeling like more of a hindrance. I was grateful when the gratitude challenge was over;)
For now I have been trying my best to focus on the things I can control. I have been doing some cleaning and re-organizing which I enjoy as it helps me feel like I have a bit of control in my life. I have been spending a bit more time on my yoga mat which I also enjoy. I need more time in the forest and at the beach, and once this round of the winter storm eases I will get back out and connect with nature. I saw a cool video on YouTube that speaks to the healing power of nature, if you are interested, check it out How Forests Heal People.
On a positive note I have been spending a ton of time in the kitchen the past several months! We haven't been trying a lot of new recipes, but we are enjoying some of our favs.
Pulled pork is one of my absolute favourite things. At our local Wild Poppy Bistro they serve an amazing Pulled Pork Grilled Cheese that is mouth watering. I have never had the patience to make a 'proper' slow roasted pulled pork, I cheat with my crock pot. I slowcook one or two pork tenderloin in broth until cooked though, and cool it enough to pull it apart with my fingers. After trying numerous barbecue sauces, both store bought and homemade, this one is my favourite. Sadly I wish it had some better ingredients, but every now and again I feel okay with it, until I find something a little less glucose-sucrosey:(
I am a fan of serving sangies open faced on a toasted Portofino white gluten-free bun. Our favourite coleslaw recipe is a Classic Memphis Style dressing. I like to use lots of fresh cilantro as my garnish.
I love to make Pulled Pork Pizza with leftovers after having sangies. I do a light layer of barbecue sauce, then the pulled pork, sliced red onion diced apple, a ight layer of cheese and fresh cilantro.
On the theme of pulled meat sangies is the Pulled Chicken Sangy from My Weekly Dish is an all time fav around here. This pulled chicken sangy soaks up the flavour of a mustard based barbecue sauce. When I don't have avocado around I just use a random Pinterest coleslaw recipe that uses apple cider vinegar. My Weekly Dish has evolved to Middling Mom, so be sure to check out her Facebook page.
As a kid I didn't like tomato soup at all, and I don't think I have ever even thought about making it, until I came across this recipe for Creamy Tomato Basil Tortellini Soup, they had me at tortellini! I chose a prosciutto tortellini, but this would be good with whatever tortellini you prefer.
A blast from the past snack. As a kid we lived close to our school and I would often go home for lunch. One of my favourite things to have was Triscuit crackers with cheddar cheese melted in the microwave. I had today with some black olives and green onions since I had some in the fridge to use up. Reminded me of good times past.
You must face the pain together. The pain is her legacy to you both, it is proof she was here.
~Walter Bishop Fringe, Season 5