Saturday, February 25, 2017

February 2017

I'm taking a relaxing weekend at home, although I will admit I have been somewhat forced as I woke up sick and there is an impending snow storm.  A month a go my usual vitamin routine came to a grinding halt, and I have a suspicion that is the culprit that made me vulnerable to illness.  I treat my allergies with high doses of Vitamins C & D and since I rarely get sick I believe there is a correlation.  I have been drinking pineapple juice and orange juice throughout the day, and dousing my feet with doTERRA On Guard essential oil blend diluted with Sweet Almond Oil. This will be the first time I have been able to put this oil blend to the test, so will see how that goes.  I also slept about 12 hours last night, and have  every intention of doing more of that!  One of my elders once told me that when we are out of balance our bodies get the little sickness to remind us to slow down and care for ourselves, but if we do not listen we get the big sickness that force us.  I'm listening...

The evolution of this grief has been so tricky to navigate.  I thought once I reached the one year mark a shift would at least ease the pain a little, or I would have a shift in focus, but that has not happened.  In fact I feel more and more lost.  There are some days that I don't even know who I am anymore. 

We have had such a a long series of loss in our families and this is the longest we have gone without a significant loss for the past 7 years.  I suppose it is a good thing because for once we are able to actually take the time to process all that has come with losing our little Amy, and all the feelings of hope that went with her.  Previously, I have not had this kind of time to process a loss before I am faced with another loss.  I am not sure which crappy road I prefer!  I have never felt such focused sadness for such a period of time.  At times it feels like it will never end.  Often I wonder how much longer I can go on.

There is this intense exhaustion that comes with pretending to be better than you actually are.  The day to day things that were once so easy take everything out of me.  I see no light in the darkness, I see no hope.  I thought taking the 30 days of gratitude challenge would help me shift my thinking to focusing on the positive, but it actually ended up feeling like more of a hindrance.  I was grateful when the gratitude challenge was over;)
There is so much intensity in the grief that flows through me and yet this is a road I walk alone for the most part.  Yes I have my husband to lean on and vice versa, but there is so much going on for us that there aren't enough hours in the day to share it all, and the pieces not shared continue to pile up and no one  sees all that is really there.  I don't want to talk about it because others can't understand and internally my thoughts tell me they are tired of hearing about my struggles.  So I internalize it and it pulls me deeper and deeper into the darkness.  Sounds like a pretty crappy place to be doesn't it?  Well life continues on... through that damn tunnel...

For now I have been trying my best to focus on the things I can control.  I have been doing some cleaning and re-organizing which I enjoy as it helps me feel like I have a bit of control in my life.  I have been spending a bit more time on my yoga mat which I also enjoy.  I need more time in the forest and at the beach, and once this round of the winter storm eases I will get back out and connect with nature.  I saw a cool video on YouTube that speaks to the healing power of nature, if you are interested, check it out How Forests Heal People.

On a positive note I have been spending a ton of time in the kitchen the past several months!  We haven't been trying a lot of new recipes, but we are enjoying some of our favs.

Pulled pork is one of my absolute favourite things.  At our local Wild Poppy Bistro they serve an amazing Pulled Pork Grilled Cheese that is mouth watering.  I have never had the patience to make a 'proper' slow roasted pulled pork, I cheat with my crock pot.  I slowcook one or two pork tenderloin in broth until cooked though, and cool it enough to pull it apart with my fingers.  After trying numerous barbecue sauces, both store bought and homemade, this one is my favourite.  Sadly I wish it had some better ingredients, but every now and again I feel okay with it, until I find something a little less glucose-sucrosey:(

I am a fan of serving sangies open faced on a toasted Portofino white gluten-free bun.  Our favourite coleslaw recipe is a Classic Memphis Style dressing.  I like to use lots of fresh cilantro as my garnish.

I love to make Pulled Pork Pizza with leftovers after having sangies. I do a light layer of barbecue sauce, then the pulled pork, sliced red onion diced apple, a ight layer of cheese and fresh cilantro.

On the theme of pulled meat sangies is the Pulled Chicken Sangy from My Weekly Dish is an all time fav around here.  This pulled chicken sangy soaks up the flavour of a mustard based barbecue sauce. When I don't have avocado around I just use a random Pinterest coleslaw recipe that uses apple cider vinegar.  My Weekly Dish has evolved to Middling Mom, so be sure to check out her Facebook page. 


As a kid I didn't like tomato soup at all, and I don't think I have ever even thought about making it, until I came across this recipe for Creamy Tomato Basil Tortellini Soup, they had me at tortellini!  I chose a prosciutto tortellini, but this would be good with whatever tortellini you prefer.

A blast from the past snack.  As a kid we lived close to our school and I would often go home for lunch.  One of my favourite things to have was Triscuit crackers with cheddar cheese melted in the microwave.  I had today with some black olives and green onions since I had some in the fridge to use up.  Reminded me of good times past.

You must face the pain together.  The pain is her legacy to you both, it is proof she was here.
~Walter Bishop Fringe, Season 5

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